This is a list of my GODDAMN favorite movies and my reviews and thoughts on them.

Heavy Metal (1981)

Alright, buckle up, folks, because we're about to blast off into the stratosphere with the one, the only, Heavy Metal. And let me tell you, this movie is the epitome of everything that's right with the world—or at least, my world. In three simple words: Big Fantasy, Big Breasts, and Big Soundtracks. Yeah, you heard that right. Heavy Metal is a wild ride through a world of sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll, and I wouldn't have it any other way. From the moment that iconic green orb hits the screen to the final notes of "Heavy Metal (Takin' a Ride)," every frame is packed with enough badassery to make even the most jaded metalhead weep with joy. And let's not forget the animation, which is like a psychedelic acid trip through the mind of a madman. But enough about the technical stuff, let's talk about the real reason why Heavy Metal is a masterpiece: the sheer audacity of it all. This is a movie that's not afraid to push the boundaries of good taste, with its over-the-top violence, gratuitous nudity, and enough F-bombs to make a sailor blush. And you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way. So grab yourself a cold one, crank up the volume, and prepare to be blown away by the sheer awesomeness of Heavy Metal. Because once you go down this rabbit hole, there's no turning back.

Final Verdict: 5 out of 5 Flying Space Boobs

Heavy Metal 2000 (2000)

Alright, folks, hold onto your butts, because we're about to take a trip back to the world of Heavy Metal with its sequel, Heavy Metal 2000. And let me tell you, it's a wild ride through a world of blood, babes, and badassery. In three simple words: Big Fantasy, Big Breasts, and Big Soundtracks. Yeah, you heard that right. Heavy Metal 2000 picks up where its predecessor left off and cranks the insanity up to eleven. From the moment that iconic spaceship crashes into a desert wasteland to the final showdown between good and evil, every moment is a glorious orgy of violence and vulgarity. But enough about the plot, let's talk about what really matters: the boobs. And boy, does Heavy Metal 2000 deliver on that front. From buxom space babes to scantily-clad warriors, this movie has more T&A than a strip club on dollar night. And let's not forget about the soundtrack, which is like a who's who of metal royalty. With bands like Pantera, Monster Magnet, and Queens of the Stone Age providing the sonic backdrop to all the carnage, you know you're in for a headbanging good time. So grab yourself a beer, crank up the volume, and prepare to be blown away by the sheer awesomeness of Heavy Metal 2000. Because once you go down this rabbit hole, there's no turning back.

Final Verdict: 4.5 out of 5 Blood-Splattered Guitars

Pulp Fiction (1994)

Alright, strap yourselves in, ladies and gentlemen, because we're about to dive headfirst into the twisted, Tarantino-fueled wonderland that is Pulp Fiction. And let me tell you, it's a wild ride from start to finish—unless, of course, you're too busy sipping your vanilla latte and pretending to be too cultured for a little cinematic chaos. Now, before we get into the meat and potatoes of this review, let me drop a little truth bomb on you: Pulp Fiction isn't just a movie—it's my bible. Yeah, you heard that right. Every witty one-liner, every twisted plot twist, every burst of bloody mayhem? It's all seared into my twisted little brain like a bullet in the skull. But enough about my unhealthy obsession with a two-hour crime spree, let's talk about the movie itself. Pulp Fiction is a masterpiece of storytelling, a symphony of violence and vulgarity conducted by the maestro of mayhem himself, Quentin Tarantino. From the diner scene to the adrenaline-pumping thrill ride of a drug deal gone wrong, every moment is a cinematic adrenaline rush that leaves you begging for more. And let's not forget the iconic dialogue, which flows like a river of pure, unadulterated badassery. Lines like "Does he look like a bitch?" and "What does Marsellus Wallace look like?" have become staples of my daily vocabulary, much to the chagrin of my dear old Mom, who still hasn't forgiven me for embarrassing her at that diner that one time. But hey, a little public humiliation never hurt anyone, right? In conclusion, Pulp Fiction isn't just a movie—it's a way of life. It's a reminder that sometimes, you've gotta dance with the devil in the pale moonlight, even if it means getting a little blood on your fancy suit. So grab yourself a Royale with Cheese, sit back, and prepare to be blown away by the sheer brilliance of Pulp Fiction.

Final Verdict: 5 out of 5 Big Kahuna Burgers

Beavis and Butthead Do America (1996)

Alright, folks, hold onto your butts because we're about to embark on a journey into the glorious, gut-busting world of Beavis and Butt-Head Do America. And let me tell you, it's a trip worth taking—unless, of course, you're a humorless drone who can't appreciate the finer things in life. Now, before we get into the meat and potatoes of this review, let me drop a little truth bomb on you: while everyone on the internet is busy swooning over Ryan Gosling and calling him "literally them," I'm here to set the record straight. Beavis and Butt-Head are not just some characters on a screen—they're me in two separate animated bodies. Yeah, you heard that right. Every snicker, every snarky comment, every idiotic scheme? That's me in a nutshell. But enough about my self-proclaimed status as the real-life Beavis and Butt-Head, let's talk about the movie itself. Beavis and Butt-Head Do America is a glorious ode to stupidity, a love letter to the art of not giving a damn. From the moment these two morons set out on their cross-country quest to find their stolen TV, you know you're in for a wild ride. Now, some might call this movie crude, juvenile, and downright offensive. And you know what? They're absolutely right. And that's what makes it so damn beautiful. From the fart jokes to the slapstick humor to the complete lack of self-awareness, Beavis and Butt-Head Do America revels in its own absurdity, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Sure, it's not going to win any Oscars, but who needs critical acclaim when you've got Beavis and Butt-Head lighting up the screen with their trademark brand of idiocy? It's a movie that knows exactly what it is and isn't afraid to flaunt it, and for that, I salute it. So grab a bag of nachos, crack open a cold one, and prepare to laugh until your sides hurt. Because Beavis and Butt-Head Do America is a masterpiece of stupidity, and I, for one, wouldn't have it any other way.

Final Verdict: 5 out of 5 Butts

The Lord of the Rings (1978)

Alright, folks, it's time to dive into the cinematic masterpiece that is The Lord of the Rings—because apparently, even the Dark Lord himself can't keep me away from a good movie. Now, before we get into the nitty-gritty, let me drop a little bombshell on you: my dear old Mom "banned" me from watching this gem because of its "Satanic content." Yeah, you heard that right. Apparently, hobbits and elves are gateways to the underworld or some nonsense like that. But as you can see, I'm a rebel with a cause, and no amount of sanctimonious preaching is going to keep me away from a good fantasy flick. But enough about my dysfunctional family dynamics, let's talk about the movie itself. The Lord of the Rings (1978) is a visual feast for the eyes, a journey into a world of magic, mayhem, and some seriously questionable fashion choices. And let's not forget the bombastic soundtrack that's like music to my ears—literally. Now, some of you might be wondering why I prefer this animated gem over the Peter Jackson versions. Well, let me break it down for you. As much as I love seeing elves, dwarves, and orcs brought to life on the big screen, there's something about Ralph Bakshi's animated vision that just hits different. Call me old-fashioned, but once you go live action, you lose its charm. Plus, the Bakshi version stays truer to the source material, which is a big plus in my book. But back to the movie at hand. The animation might be a bit rough around the edges, but it's got heart, dammit. From the lush landscapes of Middle-earth to the epic battles between good and evil, every frame is packed with detail and imagination. And let's not forget the voice acting, which brings these iconic characters to life in a way that CGI could only dream of. Sure, there are some pacing issues and a few questionable creative choices, but hey, perfection is overrated anyway. The Lord of the Rings (1978) is a timeless classic that deserves a spot in every fantasy lover's collection. So grab your popcorn, strap in, and prepare to be transported to a world where magic is real and the fate of the world hangs in the balance. And Mom, if you're reading this (which, let's face it, you probably are because invading my privacy is your favorite pastime), consider it a middle finger to your misguided attempts at censorship. The Dark Lord ain't got nothing on me.

Final Verdict: 4.5 out of 5 Rings

Blade (1998)

Alright, boys and girls, it's time to talk about Blade, the Daywalker himself. This is what superhero movies should be—dark, gritty, and unapologetically badass. Forget the sanitized, family-friendly fluff of the modern MCU. They can suck it and burn. Blade is where it's at. Wesley Snipes as Blade is nothing short of a revelation. This guy makes vampire hunting look like an art form. He's cool, he's tough, and he has zero time for your nonsense. And let's not forget the iconic opening scene in the vampire nightclub. It's a bloodbath set to a thumping techno beat, and while that's not exactly my preferred genre (seriously, where's the heavy metal?), it sets the tone for the entire movie: relentless, ruthless, and raw. Now, if they had paired that carnage with a soundtrack akin to Heavy Metal, we'd be talking perfection. Imagine Blade slicing through vampires to the sound of roaring guitars and thunderous drums. That would be the dream. But hey, you can't have everything. Blade is a superhero movie done right. It's violent, stylish, and has just the right amount of camp to keep things interesting. So grab your sunglasses, sharpen your stakes, and get ready to dive into the world of the Daywalker.

Final Verdict: 4.5 out of 5 Blood-Soaked Swords

X-Men (2000)

Next up, we've got X-Men, the movie that kicked off the modern era of superhero films. And let me tell you, it does it with a bang. Forget the cookie-cutter heroes and endless quips of the MCU. This is how you do a superhero team-up. Hugh Jackman as Wolverine is the standout here. He's a cigar-chomping, claw-slashing force of nature, and he doesn't give a damn about your feelings. The rest of the cast is solid too, but let's be real—Wolverine steals the show. And Magneto? Ian McKellen makes you believe in the power of villainy. He's menacing, he's intelligent, and he's got style. The action scenes are top-notch, and the special effects hold up surprisingly well. The plot is darker and more serious than your average superhero fare, which is exactly how it should be. The stakes are high, and the tension is real. This isn't a movie about saving the world with a smile—it's about survival and acceptance, with a healthy dose of ass-kicking. So, for those of you who think the MCU is the be-all and end-all of superhero cinema, take a step back and watch X-Men. It's a reminder of what these movies can be when they're done right.

Final Verdict: 5 out of 5 Mutant Revolutionaries

The Punisher (1989)

Last but not least, let's talk about The Punisher, the 1989 version with Dolph Lundgren. Now, this is a movie that gets the whole vigilante thing right. It's brutal, it's raw, and it doesn't pull any punches. Lundgren's Frank Castle is a one-man wrecking crew, a relentless force of vengeance who makes the criminals of New York wish they'd chosen a different career path. This isn't some sanitized hero with a moral code. This is a guy who sees the world in black and white and deals out justice with a bullet. The action scenes are gritty and intense, and the body count is off the charts. This movie doesn't shy away from the violence, and that's exactly what a Punisher film should do. It's a far cry from the polished, sanitized superhero flicks we get today. And the best part? There's no cheesy, feel-good ending. The Punisher is a dark, gritty anti-hero, and the movie stays true to that from start to finish. It's a no-holds-barred thrill ride that doesn't apologize for its brutality. So, if you're tired of the MCU's never-ending quip-fests and want something with a bit more bite, give The Punisher a watch. It's superhero cinema at its most raw and uncompromising.

Final Verdict: 4.5 out of 5 Skull-Emblazoned Pistols

House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

Alright, gather 'round, you bunch of sickos, because it's time to dive into the twisted, demented world of House of 1000 Corpses. This is Rob Zombie's masterpiece, and if you can't handle the gore, the chaos, and the sheer unadulterated insanity, then you'd better turn back now. This movie is not for the faint of heart—or the faint of taste. First off, let me just say that Rob Zombie is a genius. Not only does he shred on stage as a musician, but he also shreds your sanity as a director. House of 1000 Corpses is like a bad acid trip through the funhouse from hell, and I love every minute of it. It's a blood-soaked, psychotic fever dream, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Captain Spaulding, the maniacal clown who steals the show, is a personal hero of mine. So much so that I dressed up as him for Halloween, complete with the face paint, the dirty clown suit, and the deranged grin. And yeah, I have a poster of him on my bedroom wall. His quote, "What's the matter, kid? Don't ya like clowns? Don't we make ya laugh?" is a staple in my daily repertoire. It never fails to freak people out, and that's the point. The movie itself is a rollercoaster of carnage and chaos. The Firefly family is the definition of deranged, and their sadistic games make for some of the most memorable horror moments ever put to film. The atmosphere is thick with dread, the violence is over the top, and the soundtrack—oh man, the soundtrack. Rob Zombie's music perfectly complements the madness on screen. It's like a symphony of horror that keeps you on the edge of your seat, just waiting for the next twisted note to drop. House of 1000 Corpses isn't just a movie; it's an experience. It's a trip through the darkest corners of the human mind, a place where sanity goes to die. If you can't appreciate that, then you should probably stick to your rom-coms and leave the real horror to those of us who can handle it. So, if you're ready to embrace the madness and take a ride through Zombie's nightmarish vision, then House of 1000 Corpses is the movie for you. Just don't say I didn't warn you—this is horror at its most unhinged.

Final Verdict: 4.5 out of 5 Sadistic Clowns

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)

Alright, you delicate flowers, it's time to talk about one of the greatest animated flicks of all time—South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut. If you think cartoons are just for kids, you clearly haven't been paying attention. This movie is an absolute masterpiece of offensive, side-splitting hilarity, and I wouldn't have it any other way. First things first, let’s talk about the language. My dear, sweet mother, in her infinite wisdom, once tried to punish me for swearing in front of my little cousins by making me count all the swear words in this movie. I lost count within the first fifteen minutes and gave up. I mean, what's the point? The whole movie is a glorious symphony of F-bombs, S-bombs, and every other bomb you can think of. Trey Parker and Matt Stone are geniuses for cramming so much profanity into one film. It's like an art form. Now, let’s get to the heart of the movie. South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut takes everything that's great about the TV show and cranks it up to eleven. The satire is razor-sharp, the jokes are brutally funny, and the musical numbers? Absolute gold. "Blame Canada," "Uncle Fucka," and "Kyle’s Mom's a Bitch" are classics that have been permanently etched into my brain. I find myself singing these songs at the most inappropriate times, and it's fantastic. The storyline is a brilliant critique of censorship and the ridiculousness of moral panic. It's like Parker and Stone are holding up a big, fat middle finger to society's pearl-clutchers, and I love them for it. The absurdity of a war between the U.S. and Canada over a vulgar movie perfectly encapsulates the kind of over-the-top humor that makes South Park so legendary. On a personal note, this movie speaks to my soul. It’s crude, it’s rude, and it’s unapologetically offensive—just like me. The characters of Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny feel like old friends at this point, guiding me through a world that takes itself way too seriously. I mean, who needs another superhero movie when you’ve got Satan and Saddam Hussein in a dysfunctional relationship? So, if you're easily offended, go watch something else. But if you have a sense of humor and a thick skin, South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut is an absolute must-watch. It's a riot from start to finish and a perfect example of why pushing boundaries in comedy is so damn important.

Final Verdict: 5 out of 5 Middle Fingers

Full Metal Jacket (1987)

Alright, listen up, you slack-jawed maggots, because it's time to talk about one of the greatest war movies ever made—Full Metal Jacket. If you haven't seen this Stanley Kubrick masterpiece, then you're missing out on a brutal, unflinching look at the dehumanizing horrors of war. And if you can't handle that, maybe you should go back to watching Disney movies. First off, let's get one thing straight: R. Lee Ermey as Gunnery Sergeant Hartman is a goddamn legend. His performance is so iconic that it has seeped into my daily life in the most hilarious ways. One time, during a school assembly, I couldn't resist quoting Hartman: "I will motivate you, Private Pyle, if it short-dicks every cannibal on the Congo!" Needless to say, I got detention faster than you can say "ten-hut!" But that was just the beginning. The pièce de résistance came during a school play. I was supposed to deliver some sappy lines, but instead, I channeled my inner Hartman and started reciting his introductory speech: "I am Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, your senior drill instructor. From now on, you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be 'Sir.' Do you maggots understand that?" The look on my family's faces was priceless—pure, unadulterated horror. I got suspended for a week, but it was worth every second. Now, let’s talk about the movie itself. Full Metal Jacket is a two-act punch to the gut. The first half, set in the Marine Corps boot camp, is a masterclass in psychological warfare. Ermey’s Hartman is the tyrannical drill instructor from hell, and Vincent D’Onofrio’s Private Pyle is the tragic, broken recruit. It’s intense, it’s raw, and it’s impossible to look away. The second half shifts to Vietnam, where we follow Joker, played by Matthew Modine, as he navigates the chaos and insanity of war. The action scenes are gritty and realistic, capturing the sheer brutality of combat. Kubrick doesn't shy away from showing the dehumanizing effects of war, and it's both horrifying and mesmerizing. Full Metal Jacket is not just a war movie; it’s a searing indictment of the military machine and the way it grinds up and spits out young men. It’s a film that doesn’t pull any punches, and that’s exactly why it’s a classic. So, if you’re ready to face the ugly truths of war with a side of unforgettable quotes and relentless action, Full Metal Jacket is your go-to. And for those who can’t handle it—well, as Hartman would say, "You’re the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around."

Final Verdict: 5 out of 5 Drill Sergeant Rants

Bride of Chucky (1998)

"Bride of Chucky" is a wild ride of horror and humor that never fails to entertain me. Directed by Ronny Yu, this film brings the iconic killer doll Chucky back to the big screen, along with his equally deadly bride Tiffany. With its blend of slasher thrills and dark comedy, "Bride of Chucky" is a guilty pleasure for horror fans everywhere. I'll admit, the main reason I watch "Bride of Chucky" is for the killer soundtrack. It features some of my favorite bands like Type O Negative and Static-X, whose music is my jam. Plus, there's something strangely satisfying about watching a possessed doll wreak havoc while rocking out to some killer tunes. It's a match made in horror heaven.

The Matrix (1999)

"The Matrix" is a mind-bending sci-fi masterpiece that continues to captivate audiences with its revolutionary visuals and thought-provoking themes. Directed by the Wachowskis, this film stars Keanu Reeves as Neo, a computer hacker who discovers that the world he knows is a simulated reality controlled by sentient machines. With its groundbreaking special effects and iconic action sequences, "The Matrix" is a genre-defining film that still holds up today. I have a special connection to "The Matrix" as I once dressed up as Neo for Halloween. It was a blast emulating his badass moves and iconic look, complete with that sleek black trench coat, much to my mother's concern. Plus, the film's soundtrack is an absolute banger, featuring some of my favorite bands like Marilyn Manson, Rammstein, and Deftones. The music adds an extra layer of intensity to the already electrifying action scenes, making "The Matrix" a truly immersive experience from start to finish.

Seven (1995)

"Seven" is a chilling psychological thriller that keeps you on the edge of your seat from beginning to end. Directed by David Fincher, this film stars Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman as detectives on the trail of a sadistic serial killer who bases his murders on the Seven Deadly Sins. With its dark and atmospheric tone, "Seven" delves into the darkest corners of the human psyche, leaving a lasting impression on viewers long after the credits roll. I've always been fascinated by the concept of a serial killer targeting their victims based on the Seven Deadly Sins, which is why "Seven" resonates with me on a personal level. In fact, I once created a comic book series for my school newspaper called "Seven Victims," inspired by the film's premise. It followed a hard-boiled detective hunting down a serial killer wrapped in bandages, each murder representing one of the Seven Deadly Sins. It was a creative outlet for me to explore my love for dark and gritty storytelling, and "Seven" served as a major inspiration for the series.

The Crow (1994)

"The Crow" is a gothic masterpiece that resonates with me on a deeply personal level. Directed by Alex Proyas and based on the comic book of the same name, this film tells the story of Eric Draven, a musician who is resurrected to seek vengeance on those who wronged him and his fiancée. With its dark and atmospheric visuals, "The Crow" is a hauntingly beautiful film. I have always been drawn to the gothic aesthetics of "The Crow" and its portrayal of a world shrouded in darkness. It speaks to my own fascination with the macabre and the mysterious. Plus, the film's themes of love, loss, and redemption resonate with me on a profound level. It's a timeless classic that continues to inspire me to this day.

Dark City (1998)

"Dark City" is a visually stunning and thought-provoking film that captivates audiences with its mind-bending storyline and striking visuals. Directed by Alex Proyas, this neo-noir sci-fi thriller follows a man who wakes up with no memory of who he is and finds himself pursued by mysterious figures with supernatural powers. I have always been drawn to the gothic aesthetics of "Dark City" and its exploration of existential themes. The film's surreal atmosphere and intricate plot keep me on the edge of my seat every time I watch it. Plus, the noir-inspired visuals and haunting score create a truly immersive experience that lingers in the mind long after the credits roll.